If you’ve ever heard the song from Little Big Town called Pontoon, you’ll know what I’m thinking about when I write this post. That song rocked for two reasons, 1) The women loved it, and wanted to party it up when they heard it, and 2) We remember all of the good times with friends and family on the pontoon. If you’ve ever had a good time on the lake cruising around on a pontoon boat, that song is sure to dredge up a big shit-eatin grin.
After extensive research and thoughtful consideration, I’ve identified three toys that I’ll be dreaming about during lake weekends this summer. Yep that’s right the Lake and SUMMER are coming soon to a body of water near you! YEEEEHAAAAA! This redneck is ready to hitch kick and barrel turn right into summer.
1) Hot Tub Boat
Let’s start with this bad mama jama! Beer, bikinis, boats…hot tub. All in one! Seriously, these folks began with the end in mind. They’ve stepped outside of the Redneck zone and lost me, but if you are the ultra luxury connoisseur type, this floating party comes with African Teak decks, waterproof stereo with wired remote and a deck mounted ice chest. I suspect that ice chest is a little too small for my tastes but this beauty is amazing regardless.
Other cool gadgets:
- In-tub driving via joystick
- On-board boiler/heater (duh)
- Sunbrella Bimini (for the gingers)
- Flush mount, pop up speakers, and more
Price: $$Unknown (I suspect “The Hot Hussy” is pretty spendy)
2) The Barbecue Donut Boat
This bad mofo is definitely more up the alley of my friend Pete the Plumber. Pete, like the rest of us, works his butt off in his plumbing company. As everyone should, he rewards himself with new gear and toys frequently. He just likes a little more shine to his gear than I care for, but beggars can’t be choosers. If the Barbeque Donut Boat Company offered me a Danny Deals level discount I assure you it would be gone faster than a tie dyed shirt at a hippy commune.
Take a look at some of the accouterments that come with this floating cookout:
- BBQ Grill
- Trolling motor
- Up to 10 adults (6 rowdy friends)
- Table, recessed plate holder
- Three beverage holders (RED FLAG)
- No tunes – seriously, they missed the ‘boat’ on this one.
3) The ‘HotTug’ Boat
Now we are talkin’. This perfect little cruiser is a true redneck delight. The wood fired hot tub or “tug” in this case is perfect for all day and night beer drinking. I can envision towing a timber raft with extra beer and wood for a nice full-body pruning. The only weakness I can see with this setup is your drunk buddy that shows up late with his wave runner. This thing isn’t going to outrun that crazy bastards spray like your 1970 Sanger flat bottom v-drive would.
- Stainless steel wood burning heater
- Two containers for drinks or small stuff (see above for raft with extra coolers)
- Waterproof storage place sealed with an aluminum emergency
- Swim stairs (a.k.a. too many cocktails in a hot tub assistant)
4) The Floating Cooler Boat
Okay, so this cool little cooler may not be a good fit for towing around the lake behind your jet boat, but it would work perfect for a day on the river. It will keep up to 12 beers cold inside its thick, durable and buoyant foam hull. (I'll take 2 please!)